Hello, everyone.

Today's topic is a topic probably of vital importance

for a lot of our students and families, and

it is related to the simplicity in life.

And that is simply reminding ourselves to open the window,

but the simplicity of reminding ourselves of the most important

things in life and, you know, being in touch and

how to be in touch with, with our students.

And I'm going to make sure I'm doing this right.

I think I might lose this right now.

Okay, we got it back on it.

We think we lost it, but we got it.

The simplicity in life of communicating and talking with

our, our students and with our own kids.

And not sure why this is happening the

way it's happening, but hopefully that's right on.

Okay, we got it going on here. So.

And that is simply taking 15 and making

time to listen and taking time to talk.

I'm Doctor Rob Schmidt.

This is the fifth of ten webinars that we're

having during the course and throughout this school year,

with the last one being in June and really

excited even about the next one in February.

I'll share with you at the

end of this discussion and presentation.

So take 15, make time to listen, take time to talk.

And this kind of goes back to 2003, 2004.

And this is actually an initiative that was

done through the substance abuse and Mental Health

Services Administration, and it was really rooted in

the campaign of anti bullying.

And with that being said, it was to allow our kids

in the, in the bullying campaign and prevention effort to talk

to us, let us know what is going on.

And us, as parents understand that we are busy.

You know, we are, we have jobs, two jobs, some of us

doing a lot of different things, maybe a lot of different kids

in the house, a lot of different roles that we play, but

simply taking the time to listen to our kids.

And so this initiative was done again in

2003, 2004, and it's called take 15.

And it's, again, because of the impact

of this in the early two thousands.

It expanded across all spectrums of our family dynamics

and family development and talking with our students, talking

with our kids about a broader array of topics.

But first of all, we got to remember to take the time.

And then we also have to be a good listener

to our kids because sometimes if we interrupt our kids,

sometimes they'll get really defensive and we'll cover that at

the last couple of sections of this presentation.

And also learning more about

our children, because take 15.

And listening to our kids and talking to our kids

is really rooted in learning more about our children.

And it could even be if we're a teacher, our

class or anyone in particular, taking time to really listen

and then to not interrupt when they are talking with

us, and it really does not take long.

But again, if you're trying to map out a time

of day to do this, we'll talk about when it

probably it is most beneficial to do this.

But if you think during the course of 24 hours in a

day, and that's 1440 minutes in the course of the day, if

we're talking just take 15, it's 1% of the day.

That's all that that is.

It's 1% of your whole entire day.

And that's kind of actually, when we think about this in

all of us, kind of sad if it's just 15 minutes

a day, but where do we find the time?

And again, take in consideration our different

schedules with our kids, our different roles.

Maybe we have, like I said earlier, a few

different jobs and that 15 minutes, it doesn't sound

like much, but it can seem like it takes

a lot to find 15 minutes in a day.

And definitely do understand that, too.

But let's look at some of the

reasons why this is so important.

Why should this be so important?

And I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Again, my email will be at the end of this.

The last slide.

Yeah, next to the last slide or

a phone number you can call me.

And why should this be important?

And next to the last slide, we'll answer this question.

Because if we don't take the time to talk

and learn more about our kids, and also, it

gives them a chance to ask us questions about

ourselves so they can learn more about us.

I know they see us as maybe an adult

figure, a parent, a role model, but they forget,

too, that they're looking at us now, but they

forget that we were once their age also.

And a little bit different.

Quite a bit different, actually.

But yeah, we can't forget we were that age also.

What was going on in the prices of things

and what we did for, you know, entertainment.

Of course, you have to edit that out for some

that chose to be a little bit more adventurous.

So we don't share some of that stuff with our kids.

So remember, we want to be pretty good role

models and let them know also that we're human.

And we did struggle a little bit.

I don't know if anyone did

not struggle when they were younger.

So as a refresher, I just want to go back

and talk about what we talked about the last, the

last session and back in December and I believe that

was December 2020, 20th, 21st, maybe something like that.

I just want to remind ourselves of the importance

of why we need to talk with our kids.

Just in the united states alone, 20%, or actually,

it's one in six children between the ages.

This is all school aged. Age, age.

Ages three and 17 have some behavioral

or emotional symptom that can be diagnosable.

And again, just keep in mind, this

is during the course of the year.

Anytime during the course of the year, all of us

can have any sort of diagnosis related to anything that

we may be impacting our lives or our daily functioning.

But just remember that when we're dealing with kids,

a lot of times kids don't have the skills

developed to deal with some of life circumstances.

Life throws us sometimes curveball after curveball,

and we gotta figure this out.

And if we don't have the skills to deal with

this, we may turn to alternative means to find a

way to deal with whatever that problem is.

So, it's important to keep that in mind.

That's what makes children different than adults, 50%,

and again, us as adults right now.

So 50% of all adult mental health disorders, they first

began showing signs by age six for anxiety, by age

eleven for any sort of behavioral disorder, by age 13

for any sort of mood disorder, depressive or depression disorder,

typically by age 15 for substance use.

And keep in mind, it's usually at around eight

years old, where there's the first initial introduction owner

about age eight of drugs or alcohol.

Typically for those that do that, when we think

about where we are right now with child and

adolescent behavioral health right now, in a study that

was done just in 2020, when you think about

anxiety on the right side there, 9.8% of the

United States population, child and adolescent, would equal 5.8

million children with anxiety or signs and symptoms related.

Remember, a lot of, a lot of our families,

a lot of our kids that are maybe experiencing

some sort of anxiety or mental health disorder, you

know, not everyone seeks treatment or believes in treatment

or going to the doctor for that.

So again, there is still some stigma related.

And that's why it's so important to understand the

roles of our school social workers, of what we

can do here in our schools, especially Tallbuck county

schools, where we have different levels of supports for

our students and for our families.

So when you think about behavioral

disorders, that's 8.9% of the US

population, child and adolescent population.

So that's 5.5 million students between

the ages of three and 17.

Depression, 4.4% of the population, child and adolescent,

that's 2.7 million kids in our schools.

That's a lot.

And ADHD, which is not really too uncommon

anymore for some reason, 9.8% of the population,

which is about 6 million kids.

And as you can see, that has the highest

rate equal a little bit more than anxiety with

the percentages that represent our child and adolescent population.

Now, if we look at this, where we are right

now with the digital age in the 21st century, parenting

now, I want to back up just a little bit,

because parenting is, again, the toughest job in the world,

and it's probably the toughest job in the world that

comes with no manual how to be a good parent.

And most of us are parents, much like

we are or received from our parents.

So we represent our parents like.

Like we parent how we were parented.

Sometimes it's not always the best thing, believe me.

And other times, it's a way for us to expand

or improve how we were parented to become better parents.

The flip side of that is we may try to

overdo things and really mess things up because we try

to control maybe a little bit too much as the

child gets older, which is a different subset of parenting.

So the digital age, it was a recent

study that was done in 2020 about parenting

and parenting in the 21st century.

And you know what?

What was found in this pretty significant study

was that social, there was a pretty extreme

social disconnect in our kids pull back isolation

from our communities and from our families.

So more self isolative, more.

So I'm going to use the word addicted like I

did in our December webinar, addicted to our phones and

to our computers and always trying to be, and find

out what is the latest, or trying to maybe evaluate

our self worth based on the likes or how many

likes we get from others or how many connections we

have online with any sort of our social media sites.

So again, basing our self worth on what

others perceive, how we perceive others think of

us, which, again, is there a problem there?

There's a problem there, of course.

And then parents feeling less in control of their

children and feeling less room to have any sort

of influence over their children, because again, they are

going against, as parents, we are going against what

the child's holding in their hand with either the

phone or a computer or iPad.

I don't know what that might be.

And sometimes parents take advantage of this.

And if the child's quiet, that's all said

and good, because they're not bothering me.

And, but yet again, they are on social media or they are

on some kind of game and living off of a game.

And again, we talked about this last visit also

in our December with corporal faggart from the Talbot

county sheriff's office, when we talked about social media's

impact on us and our families is that, you

know, in our studies, we do know that there's,

there's an addiction related.

Your brain craves that.

The amygdala craves that piece of.

Of excitement and investigative kinds of things.

And what else is out there?

Like, we can't have to be on the cutting edge.

We have to know everything that's going on,

or we want to know here and now.

And that can create a problem if I have a chore to do.

So again, that parents feeling less in control.

Very true.

I definitely agree with that study,

with this study here and feeling.

And I think as a parent, because of the social media,

because of the digital age, you know, the chances of us

really influencing our child working against, you know, if a child's

on their phone for five minutes, how much they're exposed to

and how much input they're going to versus just a couple

sentences that we may give to remind our kids, you know,

to make the bed, to change the litter box, to, you

know, vacuum or to, you know, we got to go to

practice something along those lines.

So we really are going upstream

against digital, the digital age.

And it's really important to understand that.

And I would say, as a parent, to do

what you can to read up on that stuff,

because it is really affecting our family dynamics.

So if we are not on top of this, again,

if this slide looks familiar, this was shared last month.

If we rely as parenting on leaving our kids grow

on the digital age networks and the media platforms, you

know, just keep in mind, and I want to make

you a little bit paranoid here, as you should be,

but comfortable and confident at the same time.

I know it's an oxymoron, but I want to make

sure that you know that, you know, that on average,

this is a daily average, there are 500,000 online predators

coming after our kids every single day.

Every day, 500.

This is just in the United States,

according to the most recent FBI statistics.

And this is social media, online grooming

by predators that are out there to

exploit our kids, to befriend them.

Most vulnerable ages, again, is between.

If you look at the ages twelve and 15,

that's pretty much you're getting into, what's that?

7th grade through 10th grade, maybe.

So that's a very vulnerable time

because it's also transitional grades.

When you're going into 7th grade, from 6th grade,

starting out anew, maybe, and then when you're going

into high school, going into another grade.

So that makes up over 50%

of all online sexual exploitation.

The target.

Again, when we get in the middle of high school, we

think that, you know, as parents, we can maybe back off

a little bit or feel a little bit more relaxed.

And we do see that in back to school

nights, you know, at the high schools and middle

schools, we see elementary school, where, again, pretty good

showing of parents, really good showing in elementary school,

of parents engagement, coming back to know their teachers,

talk to their teachers, support our kids.

And when we get to middle school, we kind of.

We see a 50% reduction of that.

And then by the time we get to high school, back

to school night, or meeting with the teachers, it drops off.

Like off a cliff, where parents pull back a

little bit, thinking that they don't need to.

But I just want to reassure you, with all

the statistics that are out there related to any

sort of mental health or predators, that that's probably

at a time that our kids need us most.

And I know developmentally, they're at a stage

where they want to gain their independence, right?

So they.

What do they want to do in the meantime?

They want to push us away.

Well, unbeknownst to them, they still need us while

they can make their own choices and decisions, but

sometimes, at the same time, their choices and decisions

are rooted in what they want, not necessarily what

the better outcome is or what maybe can perceived

as dangerous as a.

From a parent perspective.

So that's where the struggles come in, and

you get into a little trouble, a tug

of war with some of that stuff.

But really, our kids need us more.

So in the middle and high school ages, to

be a parent and not feel like the child's

that much more independent because they are.

The mistakes they make at that

age are hold a greater consequence.

And I hope that makes sense.

89% of sexual advances are directed

at the same age group.

Most often occur in Internet

chat rooms or instant messaging.

And what does that look like?

So if I'm on. I don't know what game.

I don't really know the games anymore. I'm sorry.

I'm still stuck back with.

With. What's that?

Not even Atari is before that where you just have

the paddle go up and down, chase the ball.

So anyway, so, you know, I'm on a game.

I'm Sam on.

I don't know war game, whatever a war game might be.

Call of duty, I don't know.

So I'm on there and somebody says,

you know, robbie, you're doing very good.

Could you, do you have a minute?

Have a breakout session so we could talk about

what you're doing so I can be good, too?

And even though this may sound like

a child, it could be an adult.

Remember, they're called predators because they

position themselves to access, to hunt,

what they are looking for.

And so if I can divide and conquer and get you

into a specific chat room where it's just you and I,

there's going to be more warming up and grooming that's going

on, that's going to lead me to making.

And it may be the third time we're in the

chat room together where I'm starting to make some verbal

advances or times to set up the meet.

So predators operate in a cunning, very cunning,

very deceiving, very warming, friendly manner to begin

with, because they want what they want.

And it's part of that grooming piece which

causes and builds up courage to act, to

meet outside of this chat room in person.

So then we get into this.

20% of kids have sexually

solicited, were sexually solicited online.

Again, part of that grooming phase is

taking it to that next level.

And then 75% didn't tell their parents.

So think about this for a second.

So you are unaware your child's quiet.

I think they're doing very well.

All the while they may be in a chat room

with somebody that's hunting to meet with them, to take

advantage of them outside of the home, could be inside

of the home when you're not there. I don't know.

We don't know.

But we do know that this does

take place and it is scary. Yes.

And right now you're probably thinking about, with

your mouth open, you're probably thinking, you know,

it's scary to hear these numbers.

90% of parents will never know of such

inappropriate contact because I feel ashamed that this

happened to me and I can't tell anyone.

Or maybe the predator told me if I

say anything to anybody that they would burn

my house down, they would, scare tactic.

They would do something to our dog

or our cat or a family member.

So, you know, you know, again, that perception

of keeping it in, not telling by thinking

there's going to be fear of harm.

Just remember, 75% didn't tell their parents.

And then if something did happen, they didn't.

90% of those didn't even say anything to

their parents any sort of inappropriate contact.

We're not talking to our kids.

We feel like everything's cool, comment collected

because they're quiet, they're playing a game

in their room, they're well behaved, they're

doing well, they're doing their chores.

Everything's good.

If we're not communicating, we don't know.

14% of kids met online predators again in person.

75% of these met more than one time.

It's pretty scary.

These are innocent kids playing a game.

Again, we have to know what's going on, what

games, what information is going on with our kids.

And it's very important, the simple communication.

As parents, why are we the last

to find out things like why?

Like, you know, I didn't know that.

I cannot tell you over the last 33 years, kind

of going on 34 years this year and involved in

any sort of mental health, at different levels of mental

health that, you know, I hear this a lot about.

We had no idea.

And the parents are dumbfounded because, you know, when

was the last time you had a meaningful conversation

with your child or what was going on?

Or other than grunts, you know, teenagers grunt.

Are you doing okay?

Yeah, everything good?

You know, those kinds of things.

But it takes more effort at our

end sometimes just typically in normal, to

get an appropriate response from our kids. So.

And that's why we're going to get to some of

these things in a little bit, a few more slides.

So, so as parents are trusted adults, when you think

about this, when you think about even like suicide, because

the suicide rate in our child and adolescence is really

off the chart, really at a critical phase of some

of the highest numbers we've ever had, we are usually

the last to find this stuff out.

So again, if you look at the, these are

older studies, but they're coming all the way up

to modern day and really nothing has changed.

91% of teenagers surveyed indicated that they would

first tell a friend of their suicidal thoughts.

80% of suicide individuals give verbal or

behavioral clues of their intentions in advance.

If you look at Pfeiffer's, Doctor Pfeiffer's research in

89, and it's a long time ago, but just

remember, all of these statistics are still relevant today.

And I include them in my

risk manual, 20 psychological autopsies.

Now, what a psychological autopsy is, it's looking at after

the death and you're looking at things that led to

the death and it could be reviewed, for example, it

could be the state police, it could be the sheriff's

and you're looking at the child's social media accounts, you're

looking at any sort of notes where they may have

been left in the locker or in a.

In a dresser room or in the

safe or anything under the carpet.

It could have been left somewhere.

Typically, it's one to be found noticeable.

Are there any notes?

Is there any chats?

Is there any instagram?

Is there anything that was conveyed in

advance of those or what to lead

to what caused that death, that suicide?

So, and doctor Pfeffer looked at these psychological

20 losses of life between the ages of

eleven and 19 and found that 85% of

the suicide victims expressed suicidal thoughts mostly and

primarily to their friends before they killed themselves.

Again, as parents or as caregivers, typically

we're the last to find out.

And so we have to put much more

effort into this, into our conversations and meaningful

conversations and effort, 80% verbalize their intention to

kill themselves at least once previous days, weeks,

or months, months before actually dying by suicide.

Peers were more aware, so the child's friends,

so your son or daughter's friends were more

aware about their habits, their behaviors, their thoughts,

their threats and attempts in drug and alcohol

use than the parents or siblings, educators, relatives.

And this goes on to school counselors as well.

You know, parents, trusted adults, were

the last to find this out.

And that's what makes it so

frustrating, because it is preventable.

Everything we've talked about to

this point is preventable.

We can't prevent something that we don't know.

We got to make it an effort

to get and cross that boundary, though.

And McIlvoy experts believe as many as nine out

of ten young people who die by suicide give

prior clues of their intentions in advance.

When we think about what well in advance is, usually

clues are given up to three months in advance.

And it's pretty ironic, again, because this same statement

is so true of the active shooter, of giving

well in advance, giving clues out there.

And again, if we're not trained, or I'll see you

when I see you, maybe you won't see me again.

Those kinds of things if we're not trained,

picking up these innuendos or clues that are

given, because in like, a part of the

suicide piece is the suicide continuum.

So it's the ambivalent factor of I really want

to die up until the time I'm going to

attempt it or I'm attempting it as we speak,

because I really wish there was another way.

So I really don't want to die.

But if there's no way of fixing this problem.

If I'm reaching out and no one picks this

stuff up, then it will leave me no way

to solve this problem once and for all.

So the ambivalence factor as a part of the

suicide, which is a major hallmark stage in the

suicide continuum process, is that I want to die

up until the time I'm actually attempting it.

I really wish there was another way to solve this problem

versus what I'm about to do or doing right now.

So those clues are given well in advance.

And that was in 2000.

It's actually a good book.

You can look that up and

feel free to take any snapshots.

Or if you want any part of this again, please call

or email me and I'll get you a copy of this.

This study here that was just done

in 2020, a couple of years ago.

If you look at 11,814 young kids, and these

are ages nine and 1070, 5% of these students,

young kids had suicidal thoughts or self injurious behavior.

Self injurious behavior is.

It could be head banging, it could be self

mutilation, cutting, carving, whatever you wanna call it.

75% of the suicidal thoughts or self injurious behaviors

were not shared with or unknown to the parent.

So then when this was found out by someone and brought

it to the parent's attention, the parent had no idea.

In 75% of the times, the parent had no idea.

And again, we're dumbfounded because why?

Because we're parents.

We have so many different things going on, and sometimes we

don't look below our own noses about our own kids.

Not in all cases.

But I'm just saying, just in general, it's

a food for thought kind of deal. Because it is scary.

Because sometimes we don't have a

second chance, we don't know.

And we mean well, we love our kids.

We just maybe are a lot of

things going on in our own lives.

So this game, so let's talk about what

this is, because it's called take 15.

How this works is getting to know your.

Getting to know your child.

And you know, in your child, it's a family game.

Everyone gets a chance to talk, mainly listen, because there

should be only one person talking at a time.

Everyone gets to know about

everyone by honestly, capital H.

Actually, it should be a capital h honestly

answering some of the general questions and everyone

else listening to the answers or responses, which

could lead to a discussion.

Let's see what else?

This will help to better understand each

other while at the same time offer

an opportunity to further discuss a broader

or broaden the conversation with family members.

Hey, I mean, I didn't know about that.

I didn't know about what you did when your

favorite thing was or what you like to do

or if you could choose an athlete to be

or your favorite teacher or favorite color.

I don't know.

So it really is eye opening is.

And sometimes we discover we had no clue that

our child even thought this way or like this.

But if during the conversations that there is something

that comes up, like if a concern or a

problem arises, shared, you know, with the parents or

caregivers, you know, you can follow up thereafter or

ask time, you know, to talk afterwards, um, for

added support, troubleshoot, maybe some clues.

Um, your son or daughter might be going through

a relational problem and not knowing about the relationship.

It might be unstable.

Of course, it's not on untypical and not.

It's not too, too, um, uncommon for a child

unless they'd be going through a relational problem because

they come and go in some of the relationships.

But sometimes just having that added support and troubleshooting

some things really might really help out or offer

some, you know, some avenues of solving a problem

or to how to address a concern.

Again, might not even know when we think

back to the slide, the second 3rd slide.

But maybe what our child has even gone

through, it could be self perception, it could

be body dysmorphic kinds of thoughts of thinking

to myself that I'm fat, I'm not fat.

It could be that I'm. I'm sad.

I don't know why.

Mom, dad, I was crying last night.

I don't know why.

I'm really struggling in school again.

It's just starting a conversation to try to explore where

we are to show support that is probably priceless.

Where does most of this often opportunity take place?

And so often, there are

so many different missed opportunities.

I don't know about you, I love food. I'm a foodie.

I just, as I get older and empty nest

syndrome at home, I'm learning to cook a little

bit better, put more time into it.

And food is powerful.

So much can be covered over a

beautiful, nice dinner, tasty dinner, not fancy,

but just something that tastes great.

So, you know, so dinner time or lunchtime designated

during the course of a week can go a

long way, and everyone has to be there.

And no phone. Can you believe that?

No phone, no electronics, no tv on.

Unless it's going to be this

Sunday with the Ravens championship game.

That could be maybe an exception,

but you could maybe eat beforehand.

But, you know, when you think

about meal time, it really is.

And we take it for granted because a

lot of times it is a missed opportunity.

And again, I'm going to go back and say,

you know, parents, I know there's a lot of

things going on, a lot of different shift work,

a lot of different maybe possibly jobs, a lot

of things going on, running around, ball practice.

And sometimes, you know, I'm at practice with

different kids during the course of the week.

I mean, only have two nights a week to myself.

So, you know, I understand that.

But again, it's take time to talk, make time to listen.

I may have that reversed, but you understand.

But let me look at back, look back here at some

of the studies that were done at Harvard University recently.

And again, the sources are at the bottom, but only

30% of families eat together on a regular basis.

Now, what they considered a regular basis is,

you know, four or five times a week.

So there's opportunity there and could be earlier or later, but

we'll look at the time in a few bullet points.

So 80% of teams in this study reported

dinner is the time they are most likely

to meaningfully engage and talk with their parents.

Again, food is a distraction.

If you're really enjoying the food, it kind

of lets our, our guards up and it's

kind of like art therapy or music therapy.

It kind of distracts us a little bit. Or play therapy.

It gives us a chance to talk about

things because we're distracted with other things.

But food is really incredible.

And what's even better than that, if you have a

child or children, and you could provide them with different

roles to help you to contribute to making the meal,

if it's just even prep, prep work, like chopping up

onions, for example, or taking something out of the refrigerator,

or helping to clean as you're making a mess, which

I do during dinner time, you know, just being a

part of it.

Because when you think about our families, our family

really, we really are a team, and each one

has a role to make it successful.

So, you know, if you can get your child to engage

in the prep, work for dinner goes a long way.

So 91% of families noticed the family was

less stressed when sharing a meal together.

Can you believe that? So why?

I don't know how that is possible.

Well, because again, it's having conversation, feeling like we're

together, sharing some concerns, maybe, and we'll get to

some of the questions that we're going to ask

as potential questions during dinner time.

91%.

That's a lot felt the families felt less

stressed when they were eating together again.

Again, togetherness is unity and

presenting as one family unit. So that's awesome.

That's incredible.

84% of adults wish they could share a

meal with a loved one more often.

Again, that 84% I can just sense.

I don't know if you can sense it, but I can sense

the frustration because I may be in the fire department, I might

be in the police department, and I got to work.

I'm working four to twelve tonight.

I don't have a chance to be home, you know,

but even if you just pop in on a. On a.

Oh, my gosh, on the phone to do, you know, to

do the chat on the phone where you can see each

other, you know, just something for a few minutes just to

pop in and say, hey, how you guys doing?

You know, that that's.

We can do that during the course of an hour.

You know, fire department again might be

a way, military definitely understand that.

But even if it's something during that shift, month

that you're working, that time or week could help,

or you might be working another job, but there's

ways around just to pop in to show you're

a part of that, of the family unit when

you're not there, really important goes a long way.

So when dinner is served, and this is pretty

incredible, this is part of the also the Harvard

study, when dinner is served by 06:15 p.m.

06:15 p.m.

So when it's served by then parents spend and what

they found in this longitudinal study, a long study, over

several years, 27% of the parents provided more time reading

to their children at night, which is incredible.

18% more time playing with their children, and

14% had more time for their kids and

11% more quality time together, playing with their

kids, or just hanging out with them.

So that's, I mean, food.

When we talk about how food is powerful, it

means in many ways, because it brings us together

again, that unity phase, really important to understand that

having a family, a set family meal environment.

So in other words, when we know we're going to

eat every day at, say, 530, I don't know, everybody's

a different time, but when you have that, say six,

say you're eating at 06:00 every day.

If you could do that, you're incredible. You know, it's.

In this study, it looked at girls at age six.

The prediction was, and what they found was, is

that they were found as you get older, it

predicted an earlier bedtime, decreased use of soda, salt

drinks and sweets, more classroom engagement and fewer behavioral

problems by the age of twelve.

Again, twelve critical age, right?

So that's again, looking at about

age twelve, what is that?

That puts us at about 7th grade, maybe

6th grade, maybe somewhere around in there.

Boys at the same age, age six, what they

found was an earlier bedtime had less anxiety and

more prosocial behaviors by the age of twelve.

And can you believe this is going back just to

a set dinner time that we have every day?

We have structure and we know kids need structure.

Unfortunately, as us, as adults.

I'm going back again.

Um, you know, we, we have jobs sometimes

that maybe carries over different shift times.

So definitely understand that piece.

If you can find a few days during

the week, that's, that's going to be priceless.

It's hard juggling everyone's schedules with

the more kids you have.

I definitely understand that too, believe me.

Um, so when we look at some different types of

getting started questions or sample questions to begin a conversation,

you know, again, you can look up anything or you

can come up with some, your own questions.

I'm just giving these out there to you.

You can take a shot, picture

shot of these with your phone.

Like, what was the best thing

that happened to you today?

You know, these are just sample questions

and you can, you can empower everyone.

Like, each one can pick a question, so.

But you can choose one person.

If you want to choose two, great.

But, and then your child can choose a question also.

What they would like to learn more about you as they

see you as a mom or a dad or a grandparent.

But again, forgetting that when you were

13, what was your favorite song?

So they can get to know you.

Also, we're not just older, we were kids once too.

So what do you love about school or mom?

What do you hate about your job?

Or what you love about your job or work?

Do you have a favorite sport to play?

Or like, what do you like to watch? You know?

Or did you play any sports in high school?

Or did you do any rec?

Or who's your favorite quarterback?

You know, those kinds of things.

Or who's your favorite team?

I don't know, you know?

Do you like the Olympics?

You know, what is your favorite event?

What does success mean to you?

Like, what does it mean when you hear,

like, you're doing a really, a great job?

What does it mean to be successful to you?

What makes you scared?

Like, you know, dad, have you ever

been scared, like growing up or now?

Like, what makes you scared?

What is your favorite sports player.

Like, who was your favorite sports player?

Rather, what do you remember about

your first day at school?

Do you remember maybe what you wore at school?

And as parents, we could even, we might have a picture.

We might knock the dust off those boxes and

be prepared for this and maybe show a picture

of what we look like in school. Oh, my God.

Some of us had incredible Billy Ray Cyrus hair.

And some of you may not even

know who Billy Ray Cyrus is.

But anyway, so it goes back to those kinds of things,

showing that you were a kid once, you were young once.

What three things make a person popular

in your school and at work.

What do you think makes someone popular?

That's a great discussion because you can find

out what people think, that they're cool or

who your child perceives as cool.

It's not for the right reasons.

So it's good to discuss that.

What makes you laugh? Like, what's funny?

What's humorous?

What is your favorite tv show?

What kind of jokes do you like?

Do you like somebody with a lot of

humor or do you like somebody more serious?

Those kinds of things really important.

Again, we can get into pets.

I mean, there are so many questions to ask.

What do you think some kids or adults, why do

you think some kids and adults dress so differently?

Good question.

You know, and we could talk about the appropriateness of

dress for success at work and maybe wearing jeans with

holes in them during the course of the week and

doing home improvement stuff or cutting the grass.

The difference, you know, what's acceptable?

How about this?

What makes you angry?

Like, when do you, when was the last

time you really lost it and why?

Good conversation to look at, because there's

so much more to read into that.

Let's see.

Where would you go?

If you could travel anywhere in the

whole wide world, where would you go?

Any ideas?

Good to explore.

What is a skill you wish you had and why?

Like, what do you think you

would like to learn more about?

Like, I personally would like to learn more about electricity,

but I'm kind of like a little bit of afraid.

Other than thank God for YouTube, which

guides you through some of that stuff.

What is your favorite hobby?

Like, what do you do? What do you like to do?

Do you like journaling?

Do you like drawing?

Like listening to music?

I like to travel.

I go on a bike ride.

Just like sitting on the end of

the pier, maybe I like going fishing.

I like going hunting.

You know, it could be anything. What do you like to do?

And you may find out from your kids you didn't

know, they liked that or they want to do it.

Pretty cool.

What one thing would you do

to make the world more peaceful? Whoa.

Now we're getting into the heavy hitter question.

Like, what do they perceive as peace,

war, fighting, those kinds of things?

What would they do to contribute?

And what are they doing right now

to make the world a better place?

Good question.

Broadens the expansion of the, of the brain

and thinking, and you find out more about

what your child is made of.

It's really pretty good, and it's parents.

We can also, maybe you might choose

to have everybody answer the same question.

I don't know.

Do you like being challenged?

Like, what's challenged mean?

Like, what does it even mean?

And, like, how would you want to be challenged?

Like, what are you thinking about?

What kinds of people interest you and why?

Name one thing you would change about yourself. Whoa.

What change about yourself, and why would

you want to change that about yourself?

You'll find a lot of self esteem characteristics there that

you didn't know how, that your child maybe thought of

themselves, and they may see the same in you and

they didn't think, you know, you need to lose weight.

I don't know.

You know, you might want to change some things.

You may want to run more.

You may want to do something more.

That's what I would change about who I am.

So the great thing is it's just having a discussion.

If you could write a book, what

kind of book would you write?

What would the name of the book even be?

Do you learn more about when you win?

I mean, do you learn more when you

win, or would you say when you lose?

And that provides a broad outlook, a broad array

of different kind of responses, of handling tough times.

What is your favorite top two foods, like and why?

Maybe like, what do you like? Yeah.

I didn't know you like indian food.

Wow, that's pretty cool. Nice food.

And then, you know, sometimes I'll use this

in therapy sessions, you know, with, with some

people, one of so many different techniques.

You know, if you were walking along the beach and you

were by yourself and you were walking and you stumbled over

something and you looked down and there's something sticking up out

of the sand, and you pick it up and it kind

of looks weird, and you brush it off and you blow

it off, it has sand over it, and you clean it

off, and you start rubbing the top to get the sand

off, and a genie pops out and grants you three wishes,

any three wishes in this whole wide world.

What three wishes would you like to be granted to you.

And what would you like, what would you wish for?

And give a few minutes or a couple seconds

actually for a pause there, because that's incredible.

I mean, that will tell you a lot about

someone, about what they would wish for if they're

thinking just about themselves, mankind, their family, someone healing.

To have a dog or a cat, of course, is not uncommon.

You know, I wish I had a pet, which

might put you in a jam in an argument.

So again, we can work around that.

So those three wishes, sometimes really good to know.

So.

And, you know, and during the discussions, again, I

didn't want to get too involved with this because

this is actually it's own in and of itself.

A presentation and transactional analysis.

It's how we talk and how we talk.

This was actually developed by a psychologist, Eric Burns,

and in his transact transactional analysis model, where if

you can envision us, you have three circles.

As you can see, you have the parent, and the

parent represents and reflects the years of our actual parents.

I kind of said this earlier, maybe before

I had the thing, the picture up of

years, our actual parents and our parent authority

figure represents how they talk to us.

So it could be like, for example, it could be

a teacher, it could be a boss, a grandparent, etcetera.

And they provide guidance statements like, you know, that's the

way you do it, that's the way it's done.

Or to do something.

You know, they're telling you pretty much descriptive

things, how to do something, give you direction.

And only caveat to any of these is the tone,

cadence and rhythm of how we say what we say,

the loudness, which may cause someone to become defensive.

I didn't mean for it to be defensive.

I just asked you, please, can you put or pick up your.

Can you please pick up your shoes or please pick

up your shoes so you can see the difference. Excuse.

Call somebody to get defensive, because I

don't like how you talk to me.

So it messes messages such as you, I

should or you should always do this.

Don't lie, cheat or steal.

You know, under no circumstances should you do this.

Can you take the car keys without first talking to me.

You know, though it's kind of apparent.

It's apparent talking. So.

And then you get to the adult, and

that's working together in the here and now.

So it's pretty reciprocal.

In other words, I'm talking to

you how you're talking to me.

Casual conversation, friendship, kind of deal.

And we're on the same page. We understand.

So um, you know, can you please pick up your shoes?

Sure, dad, I can pick up my shoes and it's reciprocal.

It's on the same level.

There's no animosity, there's no anger, no

resentment, no really loudness or sarcasm involved.

And, you know, and, dad, can you please

pick up ice cream at the grocery store? Sure.

I almost forgot that, you know, can you text me that?

Because I'm going to forget between now, now when

I leave, and by the time I get there.

So can you text me that?

You know, it's. That's pretty.

You can see that's pretty equal the childhood or child.

So you have the parent, adult child.

You can remember this, like, pack for those

of you that remember, like pac man.

So you have childhood or

childlike responses or actions.

And so it kind of would behave, feel,

and think may reflect that of a child.

Like, if an adult receives a bad evaluation.

So if I get a bad evaluation from my boss, you know,

I may regress a little bit, maybe look down to the floor,

get sarcastic, or just get up and leave the room.

I may cry.

I may say something I wish I could regret. I may curse.

I don't know.

It's kind of like that child response.

It's like, you know, you didn't get your way.

I'm going to just leave or say

something and get a digging on you.

So if you can look at this, the typical combination.

I'm sorry, combination or

combination of communication styles.

Respective, like, being respectful.

It's kind of like here on the left side

where you have the adult to the adult.

And again, these could be two kids even

having the same conversation, but they're at their

level and they're back and forth.

It's reciprocal, it's respectful, and it's

just maybe sharing, maybe a. Oh, my God.

What are young kids going to share?

Used to be a big wheel, but say

a big wheel, for example, or a skateboard.

Can I borrow your skateboard?

Yes, you can borrow the skateboard.

You can use it one time

and understand the parameters involved. Great.

Again, the parent talking to the child.

Can you please make your bed before you go.

Go to the bus stop, you know? Sure. I almost forgot.

Thank you again.

That's our role. Right.

So you have parent, adult, child.

We're in our role.

Sometimes, though, a conflict can arise.

When we talk down to when you have a child talking to

a parent like they're the child, it was really not good.

Like, can you please vacuum the floor?

No, you vacuum it and it's all of a sudden, you

know, the gloves come off, and then we're at a.

Usually what happens is at that point where

the parent turns into the child, you have

two children arguing back and forth, and that's

never good because there's not a winner there.

And then when you get into the other side of that,

you may have, you know, an adult talking to an adult.

And all of a sudden, this conversation shifts.

When I hold maybe my child or my parent

accountable for something, and they don't like that.

They get defensive.

And so when they get defensive, the first

thing that happens, our speed increases, our voice

loudens, and there's some sarcasm involved there, which

usually doesn't go well for the other person

unless they catch themselves and maintain that role

of being the adult or the parent.

In other words, you don't take the bait.

So why is take 15?

So why is this so important?

It's pretty scary here, because if you don't take

the time to listen or take the time to

talk to your child, someone else will.

And someone else will influence your child, and it

may go against what your beliefs are, and it

may be someone out there like a predator.

Because I'm not. I don't have anything.

No one really cares at home.

My perception is no one really cares at home.

So this guy or this girl show me time and

or this group of kids, not really well connected in

the community, all known for the wrong reasons, um, they

might give me the time to listen and talk.

So our kids are very vulnerable.

And as parents, I know we're all busy, believe me.

Um, but making that time, you know, to talk to our

kids and making, and creating that time to listen to our

kids, you know, and finding out what they're on in the

Internet and on Facebook or whatever else it is, you know,

we have a right to know that, especially if we're paying

that bill, you know, we should know what, what's going on

sometimes, every now and then with check ins.

But this is usually cordially done over a

good meal and learning and talking and asking

those questions over a good meal and having

family could have even a family game night.

Movie night sounds good.

But if you're going to have a movie night, which is

always good, especially this time of year, I would go ahead

with the questions and answers like a fun night.

And you can even make a little spinner from another

game and put your family member names in there.

And who would, who the next question goes to.

Or they can choose who the next question goes to.

And you can go any of the any over any of

those questions we talked about and, you know, share pictures when

you were little and where you came from is pretty good

to know and really strengthens our family relationships and the understanding

of maybe I thought that you were doing well now, but

I didn't know you lived such a difficult life growing up,

you know, and struggled so.

Or mom so really important to know.

And it creates a lot of empathy within the family.

So it's really good to know.

And you might also talk about some

different moods and what makes you happy,

sad, or if you notice any changes.

But, you know, it's all in agreement with

all the research that's out there, that our

social media should not be raising our kids

because it's for all the wrong reasons.

And there's, remember, 500,000 predators every

single day waiting to divide and

conquer our kids for sexual exploitation.

Please remember that for mental health, things that are

going on that we may not even understand, but

we notice some changes that we uncover in some

of the discussions that we have.

You have these local phone numbers here.

If for every reason you have any questions, before you

even call one of these numbers, other than 911 in

the case of an emergency, you know, please feel free

to call me here at the board of Ed.

And I would be happy to let you

know what we have available in our schools

with our community mental health providers that we.

We allow to come into our schools.

And we have social workers in all of

our schools besides the mental health practitioners.

And I would be happy to touch base with any

of the thoughts or concerns that you have in addition.

So we have a lot of resources available here in

Talbot county public schools that you have to be made

aware of, because one of my first opening statements for

this webinar was one of the most difficult jobs in

the world is being a parent, and it's probably the

most difficult job in the world that comes with no

instructions or a manual of how to be a parent.

So, which leaves us, for the most

part, winging it, how we were raised.

So please feel free to call me anytime,

and we will work through this together.

Believe me.

I've been in mental health for 30, going

34 years, and would be in an outpatient

setting, a hospital setting, would be happy to

talk with you and provide some options.

Or if you're not liking what's available in

our community, I can help you find something,

maybe across the bridge or in Delaware.

Not a problem at all.

We'll figure this out.

Two brains are always better than one or three.

And trying to figure, figure

through a crisis situation.

Now, I want to keep in mind, keep in

mind, I'm going to plant the seed for next

month's webinar, which will be webinar number six.

It's going to be on February 28, hopefully

not a snow day, from 230 to 330.

Very important topic, because we do know that

it's going to be on the signs and

symptoms of child and adolescent depression.

And I'm actually going to have a

friend on with me, Doctor Jeff Bostic.

He's a child psychiatrist, and through Georgetown

University, it's George Washington or Georgetown, I

think it's Georgetown University, but he's going

to be on with me.

It's, we're not going to

have a PowerPoint presentation.

I want to keep it a discussion and some

ideas and troubleshooting what depression looks like in children,

what it looks like in middle school, elementary school,

high school, the difference between boys and girls, and

then the various types of treatments that are out

there for our kids, or identifying it within our

kids, and then some adjacent or coexisting or comorbid

kinds of diagnosis that would go along with things

like anxiety, that typically goes along with late, later

high school anxiety and depression.

I mean, there's, we're going to have a good discussion.

It's a shame it's only for an hour, but if we get

some more responses, we can maybe make that even a part two.

And he's pretty well seasoned for many, many years

in the field of psychiatry, so we're pretty lucky

to have him on for the next webinar.

So you'll probably be getting an invite out

there to you through Talbot county public schools.

And we're really thankful that Talbot county public schools

offers these webinars monthly and the resources that go

along with them and bringing in new ideas.

Because we know that psychiatrists are endangered

species, it's hard to find one anywhere.

And if you do find them, you either can't

afford them or there's an extreme weight loss list.

So it's good to have this discussion, and we'll

try to do this more often with a psychiatrist,

with a few more friends that are psychiatrists across

the bridge, too, that I can bring in for

a discussion and moving forward, because, you know, again,

things happen in life and it's very difficult, and

we'll look at the different stages of depression also.

So I want to thank everyone for being a part of this.

Again, if you're looking at this, it's either live

or it is on our will be posted on

our Talbot County Public Schools website and I'm really

thankful to be able to do this.

And with that said, you guys take care. Thank you.

Please feel free to call anytime, and then

we will work it out and hopefully I'll

be able to provide some resources for you.

So take care.

Have a great family dinner.